3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
