I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
