The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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