i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
