im drinking this country out of the recession.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I can text with my tongue
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
