dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
