just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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