So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
