dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
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