she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize