I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Randomize
