have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
