I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
