Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
