Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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