I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
