Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
