dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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