I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize