Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
