im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
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