Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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