I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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