living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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