Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
