My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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