considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
