you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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