And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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