come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
