Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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