I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
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