i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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