Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
