Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
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