got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
