i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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