we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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