I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Please, let me fuck your mom
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
