I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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