I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
