I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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