Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
