You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
