I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
