my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
His nipple licking is glorious
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