i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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