How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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