before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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