my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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