my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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