i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
