New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
