I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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