No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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