Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
