the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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