so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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