OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
