If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
